Since we've been together, The Swede and I have gone through cancer, the loss his father, the loss of our child, and a few other frightening, life-altering events.
If you've been fortunate enough never to have experienced a major tragedy in life, you won't know the feeling.
The feeling when things are good, you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It's sad, really, that some of the enjoyment is taken out of life. Enjoyment? Maybe that's the wrong word. Ability to be carefree? That's better. You no longer are truly carefree for you know the depths to which life can take you.
The other shoe not only dropped but has beaten The Swede and I down in the process.
The Swede suffers from depression. Not stereotypical depression, but rather uncontrollable anxiety, panic disorder or a nervous breakdown. I have witnessed two episodes prior to the one he's going through now.
It began last June.
I know from experience that these lows are preceeded by irrational anger. I realize that after the fact. After he approaches me and says "I'm not doing so good." After the span of a couple of days where he goes from my fun-loving husband to a stranger with a look of fear on his face who withdraws from life. After my world is turned upside down.
In the past, he has gotten back to his old self within a month or two. This time around, he hasn't been so fortunate. This time around, there is no end in sight. Will it be over in a month? two months? a year? ever? Will he ever again be the person I met and fell in love with, or will there be a different person in my life? Someone who has been transformed into someone else entirely by the beast of mental illness?
I'm worried, protective, impatient, frustrated, angry, exhausted....but mostly, I'm scared.
We have lived with this all day long, every day for 7 months. It never goes away, not for a moment. It is all I seem to talk about anymore. It weighs on me and has pushed me down so that I struggle to keep going, to keep moving forward and to keep my family functioning as normally as possible.
I want to scream at the teacher who tells me that I need to check over my son's homework each night. Or the PTA member who pesters me to volunteer my time. Or a client who is frustrated with my forgetfulness or lack of creativity.
The Swede is normally funny, loud, sensitive, compassionate, and kind. He has the best belly laugh I've ever heard. He's very free with his emotions and has truly made me a better person. Other people are drawn to him. Everyone loves him. Everyone we know is pulling for him, praying for him. We all want back the person who hasn't been around for a long time. We all miss him.
I can't begin to imagine how he must feel.
9 comments:
All I can do is offer up my prayers as well. I have had "episodes" of paralyzing anxiety that made speaking to my husband and children a chore. Times when my body was so overwhelmed with this tenseness that my mind became overwhelmed as well. Sleep was my only refuge.
I guess maybe I am lucky that my episodes last only about a week.. allowing me to come out the otherside thinking "What the hell just happened?" and "I will never allow myself to do that again"......
each time knowing full well that unfortunately, at times such as those, I am not the one in the drivers seat.
Again, I will keep you and The Swede in my prayers.
You both are special. It is terrible that you have to grow a steel spine to hold up the family when your partner is ailing. Any sane person will be angry at the unfairness of it all.
Brain chemistry is subtle and may be after twenty years we may have some understanding of the sophisticated processes underlying these tragedies. Until then the best way may be to use the professional help to understand this challenging condition. Unfortunately for treatment of these processes gone wild what at present they have is more akin to jack hammer than the required jeweller's fine tap.
Here's wishing and pulling for you both a safe recovery from this lousy turn of events.
My heart goes out to you and the Swede. I have not experienced anything in your post as of yet. I hope and pray that your family gets back to some normalcy soon. I know being a total strange but I am a good listener. please feel free.
Oh, my heart is hurting for you two. I don't have any experience or advice... just know that I'm thinking of you both and "holding you in the light" as the Quakers say.
xo,
J
Thanks for your comment on my blog. I'm so sorry you and your husband are struggling right now. I'm sending good thoughts your way. If you want more tips on how we're managing the homework/schoolwork issues around here, email me at somewhereinthesuburbs@gmail.com
How is everyone doing? I keep checking back.....hoping to hear something.
I am rooting for you all.
I didn't pay attention to the date of my last post. Who is winning? And you know what? Since today in my grandpa's 89th birthday, it wouldn't be right to post today and bump grandpa out of the top position....
On a more serious note, how are all you doing? Sorry it took so long for me to email back the last time!
I absolutely sympathise. I suffer the same. It is truly a physical disease, not an attitude or frame of mind.
Has he Swede a troubled background in his childhood?
Headbang-
Fortunately, The Swede's childhood was a good one. He has a strong family history of depression. I worry about our two son's inheriting this awful disease.
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